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Weather Channel Warns Tornadoes Are More Dangerous At Night When You Can’t...
ATLANTA – (CT&P) – The Weather Channel is warning its viewers that after the sun goes down it gets dark and that makes severe storms, especially tornadoes, much more dangerous because you can’t...
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Dickerson Loses It After Three Days Without Satellite Dish
MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – 55-year-old Murphy resident Jerry Lee Dickerson was found wandering the woods along the Tennessee state line late last night suffering from exposure and dehydration,...
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Area Man Takes First Shower In Over A Week; Pets Grateful
MURPHY, N.C. – (CT&P) – Murphy resident Jerry Dickerson took his first shower in over a week today, sources say. The reclusive oddball was said to have been as ripe as garbage dump when he...
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Dickerson Renews Vows To Self (Again)
MURPHY, N.C. – (CT&P) – In what has become somewhat of a Valentine’s Day tradition, 55-year-old Murphy resident Jerry Dickerson reaffirmed his vows to himself in a touching ceremony just off an...
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U.N. Leader Calls Gas Attack “Crime Against Humanity”
NEW YORK – (CT&P) – United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon called this morning’s massive poison gas attack on Cabin Anthrax “a vicious attack on innocent civilians” and a “crime against...
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North Korean Leader Kim Jong-un Calls Missile Tests ‘Resounding Success’
PYONGYANG – (CT&P) – Dear Attractive Benevolent Leader Kim Jong-un proclaimed today that this week’s short-range missile tests a “resounding success.” A pair of advanced (for North Korea)...
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Hateful Religious Kook Condemns St Patrick’s Day As ‘Gay Holiday Sanctioned...
DENVER – (CT&P) – Homophobic minister and all around despicable human being Kevin Swanson urged Christians across the United States not to celebrate St Patrick’s Day today because it has been...
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High School Commencement Speakers Tell Graduates They Actually Matter
NEW YORK – (CT&P) – A New York Times/SurveyMonkey Poll taken over the weekend has found that over 90% of commencement speakers at high school graduation ceremonies around the country this year...
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God ‘Sick And Tired’ Of Protecting Kid From Incompetent Mom
PEARLY GATES – (CT&P) – At press conference held early this morning just outside Heaven, God told reporters that he was “fed up” with protecting little Johnny Gregg from his moronic mother. “I’m...
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Governor Scott Calms Fears Of Nervous Floridians
TALLAHASSEE – Governor Rick Scott of Florida held a press conference this afternoon to assure his constituents that they would be protected from “storm vultures” in the aftermath of Irma, which is...
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